Prairie Home Companion, A (movie tie-in) Read online

  The backstage crowd turning its attention toward the stage, musicians, stagehands, the STAGE MANAGER on the phone, MOLLY, GK, and then LOLA joins them. DUSTY is behind her.

  JOHNSON GIRLS (V.O.)

  All of the world, it is so sad and weary,

  Everywhere I roam.

  Oh Mama, how I missed the prairie,

  And my Minnesota home.

  CUT TO:

  20 INT. STAGE—SAME TIME

  YOLANDA JOHNSON onstage.

  YOLANDA (SINGS)

  I can see Mama on Sunday mornings

  All the good old hymns that were sung

  We knelt in prayer with our aunts and uncles,

  Who loved us when we were young.

  In the valley of darkness, they are the shepherds

  Who lead me to the pastures green

  And I’ll sit with mama by the still still waters,

  And goodness and mercy follow me.

  21 INT. FITZGERALD WINGS—SAME TIME

  Beyond the crowd in the wings, GUY NOIR stands at the security desk, staring into the camera.

  JOHNSON GIRLS (SING O.C.)

  I’ve floated down the Columbia and the Hudson

  Walked on the banks of the O-hi-o.

  GUY NOIR

  You came back.

  DANGEROUS WOMAN (O.C.)

  I did.

  GUY NOIR

  The Presbyterians weren’t what you were

  looking for?

  JOHNSON GIRLS (SING O.C.)

  On the banks of the Wabash and the mighty Colorado And the old Red River way up north.

  DANGEROUS WOMAN (O.C.)

  No. I was sent here, Mr. Noir.

  GUY NOIR

  What can I do for you?

  DANGEROUS WOMAN (O.C.)

  Really nothing, Mr. Noir. I’ll take care of it.

  You have a nice show here.

  JOHNSON GIRLS (SING O.C.)

  All the world it is a world of rivers

  Flowing to the sea

  Here along the dear Mississippi

  Here is the home for you and me.

  LOLA stands in the wings, watching. DUSTY and LEFTY stand behind her. GUY NOIR, beyond them, is staring ahead. He is stunned by the presence of the woman.

  GUY NOIR

  Thanks. We like it.

  DANGEROUS WOMAN (O.C.)

  Do you believe in the fullness of time and the

  spirit? Most people don’t, you know. But it

  would be good, Mr. Noir, if you opened your

  heart to the fullness of time—and to the spirit

  (SHE GENUFLECTS)

  which upholds and sustains us all through

  this world. Amen.

  GUY NOIR

  Whatever you say.

  He gazes at her as the DANGEROUS WOMAN, in a white raincoat, a Twins baseball cap, and dark glasses, puts her hand on his shoulder and moves past him to stand behind LOLA.

  CUT TO:

  22 INT. FITZGERALD STAGE—SAME TIME

  The JOHNSON GIRLS hold hands, singing, as musicians come onstage behind them for the next act.

  JOHNSON GIRLS (SINGING)

  All of the world, it is so sad and weary,

  Everywhere I roam.

  Oh Mama, how I missed the prairie,

  And my Minnesota home.

  Audience applause. GK looks up and grins and gestures to his right.

  GK

  The Johnson Girls . . . thank you. Brought to

  you by Powdermilk Biscuits . . . heavens,

  they’re tasty and expeditious, made from

  whole wheat raised by Norwegian bachelor

  farmers so you know they’re good for you

  and pure mostly . . . and by Jack’s Auto

  Repair, where the bright flashing lights show

  you the way to complete satisfaction.

  GK (CONT’D)

  I’d like to come in and sing a song and send

  this out to all the friends in my hometown.

  (HE SINGS)

  Slow days of summer in this old town

  Sun goes across the sky

  Sometimes a car goes by

  There’s one right now.

  Looks like a Chevy. Your Chev is blue.

  This Chev is white and brown

  It isn’t slowing down,

  Guess it’s not you.

  (As he sings, DANGEROUS WOMAN appears in the doorway of the Prairie Home set upstage from him.)

  You said you’d be here Sunday or so.

  Maybe by Saturday,

  If you could get away,

  You didn’t know.

  I love you darling, waiting alone.

  Waiting for you to show.

  Wishing you’d call me though

  I don’t have a phone.

  (DANGEROUS WOMAN emerges from the set and stands on the porch, watching him.)

  Waiting for love to come, all comes alive.

  Birds sing in angel tongues

  Small stones like diamonds

  All down the drive.

  (HE SINGS) (CONT’D)

  Visions of love appear, clouds passing through

  All of my life, I see

  Passing so beautifully

  Waiting for you.

  (GUY NOIR appears in the doorway of Prairie Home, in pursuit of DANGEROUS WOMAN as she crosses the stage.)

  Around the corner, an old dog appears

  Stands in the summer sun

  Waiting for love to come.

  Wish you were here.

  GK

  Prince of Pizza, the frozen pizza that tastes

  homemade. With real Minnesota mozzarella

  and sausage.

  (HE SINGS, TO TUNE OF “LA DONNA E MOBILE”)

  One Prince of Pizza slice

  Puts me in paradise,

  Sausage and extra cheese

  Onions and anchovies,

  You can stay home

  And feel you’re in Rome

  No need to go ta

  Italy, you can eat prettily here in Minnesota.

  Prince of Pizza.

  CUT TO:

  23 INT. WINGS—SAME TIME

  The camera follows GK past the STAGE MANAGER and into the wings, through the crowd of musicians. Then we see the LUNCH LADY holding her box of sandwiches up to the

  DANGEROUS WOMAN.

  LUNCH LADY

  Egg salad or ham salad?

  DANGEROUS WOMAN

  Why are you crying?

  LUNCH LADY

  It’s the last show. I’m never going to see these

  people again.

  DANGEROUS WOMAN

  You’ll see them again.

  LUNCH LADY

  Chuck and I . . . been dating for years. I can’t

  believe this is the last show.

  (SHE WEEPS)

  All of them from the old days—Soupy

  Schindler, Red Maddock, Ray Marklund,

  Helen Schneyer—gone and forgotten.

  DANGEROUS WOMAN

  Every sparrow is remembered.

  LUNCH LADY

  I don’t even know as they’re going to make a

  speech or anything. . . . It doesn’t seem right,

  does it? Some big company come in and step

  on us like we were bugs at the picnic?

  24 INT. MAKEUP ROOM—LATER

  LEFTY sits in one of the makeup chairs as DONNA powders his face. CHUCK AKERS lounges nearby, enjoying a beer and a smoke. GUY NOIR sits on the counter, examining his nails. The YODELER sits on a folding chair. She is a stocky woman in a cowgirl suit, her hair stiff with hairspray, heavily made up. GK voice, reading a commercial, comes from the monitor speaker on the wall. GUY NOIR reaches up and turns it off.

  DONNA

  So when are we going to tell the people that

  this is the end? That it’s the last show? Why

  the big silence? I don’t get it.

  GUY NOIR leans up close to the mirror and examines his eyebrows and his nostri
ls for nose hair.

  GUY NOIR

  Maybe it’s not.

  CHUCK AKERS

  It’s my last, that’s for sure. Old lady laid

  down the law—

  DONNA

  Don’t kid yourself. You know it as well as I

  do. Plain as the nose on your face. They sold

  us down the river.

  CHUCK AKERS

  Put her foot down. Told me she was going to

  hitch up the trailer, head south.

  LEFTY

  Trim the eyebrows, wouldja? Thanks.

  GUY NOIR

  Maybe they’re trying to spook us.

  DONNA

  The Soderberg family selling out . . . I just

  don’t get it. They’ve owned WLT since they

  ran it out of the sandwich shop. That’s what

  the call letters stand for. With Lettuce and

  Tomato. How can you just walk away from

  something like that? What are we, used

  Kleenex?

  GUY NOIR

  They got old, babes. They started to think

  about ease and comfort. They saw a brochure

  for an island with palm trees and an azure

  sky and miles of sand and they said, “Hey,

  what are we suffering through these winters

  for? We don’t have to freeze our butts waiting

  for the bus to come—our bus has come! It’s

  here! We’ll leave the business to the kids and

  head for paradise and to hell with it.”

  Problem is, the kids had gone down to

  paradise ahead of them. So there was this big

  corporation in Texas that offered them a

  gazillion dollars for it and, okay, maybe they

  did talk funny and their eyes didn’t focus and

  their flesh was rotting and falling off, but hey,

  nobody’s perfect, and money is money, so the

  Soderbergs took the dough. End of story.

  DONNA

  You’d think one of them would have the

  decency to come down here and tell us in

  person. Look us in the eye and tell us—

  LEFTY

  Don’t take too much off the eyebrows—

  CHUCK AKERS

  I played at Chad Soderberg’s wedding

  reception at the Minnesota Club. It was nice.

  Had a smoked salmon the size of a golden

  retriever.

  LEFTY

  I remember that.

  CHUCK AKERS

  Were you there?

  LEFTY

  We were wearing tuxedos, remember?

  DONNA

  What are we supposed to do, just walk off

  the cliff?

  GUY NOIR

  I wasn’t going to tell you this, but . . .

  between you and me and the flies on the

  wall, there’s a woman on the premises who I

  think maybe is going to save our bacon. She’s

  got that look about her.

  DONNA

  Who is she?

  GUY NOIR

  I’m still working on figuring that out.

  DONNA (TO LEFTY)

  Close your eyes. Is she from NorComm?

  GUY NOIR

  Could be. Time will tell. I’ll just let personal

  charm do its work. She walked in—couldn’t

  take her eyes off me. Drawn to me like a

  moth to the flame.

  LEFTY

  Maybe she needs a firm hand. The old

  cowboy touch.

  GUY NOIR

  She asked about you, but I had to tell her

  about your problem. All those years in the

  saddle . . . alas, it took the lead right out of

  your pencil. But I told her you know quite a

  lot about fabrics and home decor, should she

  need a decorator.

  YODELER (TO DONNA)

  You going to be able to get to me or should I

  come back?

  CHUCK AKERS

  You look pretty gorgeous just the way you

  are. You remind me of Ginny, that girl who

  ran off with the drummer in the gospel band.

  YODELER

  Well, that’ll never happen to me. Unless it’s a

  girl drummer.

  She gets up and leaves. DONNA stands behind LEFTY and combs his eyebrows and snips at them.

  DONNA

  It’s the end of an era when this show goes . . .

  won’t be much of anything on radio but

  people yelling at you and computers playing

  music. It’s a tragedy.

  LEFTY (TO GUY)

  You know, I would think that a professional

  security man would be up at the stage door

  where he belongs, defending us against

  intruders, and not down here jawing about

  his allure to women.

  GUY NOIR

  People with a clear conscience don’t need

  much security. That’s been my experience.

  And when I get the lowdown on this babe, I

  may or may not let you know about it. I may

  be out of here. We shall see.

  25 INT. ONSTAGE—MOMENTS LATER

  GK at the announcer’s podium, the JOHNSON GIRLS at stage center, MOLLY comes by and places scripts in their hands. ROBIN and LINDA stand behind GK, and the SHOE BAND.

  GK

  And now the Johnson Girls remind you that

  this portion of our show is brought to you by

  the Ketchup Advisory Board. Ketchup—it’s

  rich with natural mellowing agents.

  As he reads, MOLLY reaches over his shoulder, puts a script in place, yanks away the one he’s reading.

  GK

  And let’s not forget those Powdermilk

  Biscuits either, right, Yolanda?

  YOLANDA (READING)

  When someone asks you where you’re from

  and you tell them Minnesota, they think for a

  minute and then they say, “It gets cold there,

  doesn’t it.” And it does, of course.

  RHONDA (READING)

  Every year in Minnesota, nature makes a

  couple sincere attempts to kill you, and then

  we get the month of March, which God

  designed to show people who don’t drink

  what a hangover is like.

  YOLANDA

  And that’s why we Minnesotans are modest

  people. Because we’ve been through winter.

  If we ever got a gold medal, we would have

  it bronzed, so nobody would think that we

  think too highly of ourselves.

  RHONDA

  But we’re stubborn. We believe in

  perseverance. Sticking to it. It’s like becoming

  the Tallest Boy in the Fourth Grade. You stick

  around and eventually the prize will be

  yours.

  GK

  And when you need something to sustain

  you, reach for Powdermilk Biscuits, made

  from whole wheat that gives shy persons the

  strength to get up and do what needs to be

  done. Buy them in the big blue box with the

  picture of the biscuit on the cover or ready-made

  in the brown bag with the dark stains

  that indicate freshness.

  ROBIN & LINDA & GK SING:

  Has your family tried ’em,

  Powdermilk?

  O has your family tried ’em,

  Powdermilk?

  If your family’s tried ’em

  You know you’ve satisfied ’em,

  They’re the real hot item,

  Powdermilk.

  The BAND plays the Powdermilk Biscuit theme behind them, as GK leans over YOLANDA.

  GK

  You want to do �
�Gold Watch & Chain,” here?

  YOLANDA

  You have the words?

  GK

  You remember it.

  RHONDA

  Who’s that woman over there? Another

  girlfriend of yours?

  YOLANDA (TO GK)

  You sing lead and I’ll come in.

  GK

  You sing lead. You always sing lead.

  RHONDA

  Another one of the girlfriends you ditched?

  GK

  Who?

  RHONDA

  Back there behind Dusty. Woman in a white

  raincoat.

  GK

  Let’s go.

  The BAND ends the biscuit theme, to applause, as GK steps up to the microphone.

  GK

  Lots of cards and letters from listeners this

  week, and thank you for that. Always good

  to know that people are listening and the

  signal isn’t just drifting around among the