Prairie Home Companion, A (movie tie-in) Read online

  pines and the blue jays.

  RHONDA looks over GK’s shoulder as he pretends to sort through cards and letters on the podium.

  GK

  And here’s a special request from young

  Aaron Westendorp in Edina. He says, “I love

  listening to your show and—”

  RHONDA leans into the microphone.

  RHONDA

  He says, “I sure would love to hear those

  Johnson Girls shake their hips and sing a

  little,

  (SHE SINGS)

  Baby, baby, be my man . . . kiss me, touch me,

  hold my hand . . .

  GK

  Just joking, he says.

  RHONDA

  Where does it say that?

  GK

  Right there. He’d like to hear Yolanda and me do

  an old favorite here, called “Gold Watch & Chain.”

  (TO THE BAND)

  Boys.

  YOLANDA looks at GK with hesitation as the BAND strikes up the tune. RHONDA, upstage, waves good-bye to the audience. GK grabs a stool and sits. The band vamps for a few bars as GK and YOLANDA look at each other. She is caught in uncertainty. And then she gathers herself together and steps up and sings.

  YOLANDA (SINGS)

  Darling, how could I stay here without you

  I have nothing to ease my poor heart

  This old world would seem sad, love, without you

  Tell me now that we never will part

  YOLANDA & GK (SING)

  Oh I’ll pawn you my gold watch and chain, love

  And I’ll pawn you my gold wedding ring

  I will pawn you this heart in my bosom

  Only say that you’ll love me again

  CUT TO:

  INT. FITZGERALD WINGS—SAME TIME

  CHUCK AKERS stands in the wings, in a crowd, holding a mandolin, and plays along softly.

  YOLANDA (SINGS O.C.)

  Oh, the white rose that grew in the garden

  It died, dear, when you broke my heart

  It bloomed on the day that I met you

  But now we have fallen apart

  The DANGEROUS WOMAN steps in beside CHUCK AKERS as he plays. He does not notice her, his escort to the next world. She waits patiently, as a mother waiting to drive a child to a birthday party.

  YOLANDA & GK (SING O.C.)

  Oh I’ll pawn you my gold watch and chain, love

  And I’ll pawn you my gold wedding ring

  I will pawn you this heart in my bosom

  Only say that you’ll love me again.

  GUY NOIR slips in behind her and stands stock-still, eyeballing her, leaning slightly toward her and sniffing.

  YOLANDA (SINGS O.C.)

  Don’t you know that I gave you my heart, dear,

  It was given and can’t be returned

  You have left me to be with another

  All my hopes and my bridges are burned.

  CUT TO:

  27 INT. STAGE—CONTINUOUS

  YOLANDA and GK in duet.

  YOLANDA & GK

  Oh I’ll pawn you my gold watch and chain, love

  And I’ll pawn you my gold wedding ring

  I will pawn you this heart in my bosom

  Only say that you’ll love me again.

  Only say that you’ll love me again.

  Only say that you’ll love me again.

  The song ends to applause, YOLANDA waves to the audience as STAGEHANDS bring in sound-effects table and gear, and MOLLY comes in with scripts.

  GK

  Thank you, Yolanda, and now let’s come in

  here with a message about duct tape.

  He gestures questioningly to MOLLY (Duct tape?) and she vigorously nods yes, as she searches through the numerous stacks of paper she has carefully arranged in her left hand and right hand and under her left arm, as he wings it.

  GK (O.C.)

  Yes, duct tape. So many uses for it around the

  house . . . loose windows, drafty windows . . .

  things fall off, handles of things, levers,

  grommets . . . you know how it is—

  MOLLY is sorting through the array of scripts and papers in her hands, under her chin, between her knees. She is confident that the script is here, in her hands, and she searches quickly and with smooth dexterity.

  GK (O.C.)

  —things fall apart. It’s the way of the world.

  You put something in a safe place and two

  minutes later you can’t find it. Try taping it to

  the wall with duct tape . . . it’s like tying a

  piece of string around your finger—

  MOLLY, with batches of scripts and papers in her left hand, under her chin, in her mouth, reaches into her pocket for her glasses, puts them on, and in that moment, drops the papers under her left arm. They fly in all directions, and she tries to catch them, thus losing them all, creating a small blizzard of paper. Several musicians and a stagehand come to help her scoop up the debris. Meanwhile GK wings it.

  GK

  Duct tape . . . there’s no end of uses for it. For

  a quick fixer-upper, a strip of duct tape does

  the job. So many things . . . leaking pipes—

  The SOUND-EFFECTS (SFX) MAN does the sound of dripping.

  GK

  And the leak rots the wood so maybe your

  whole kitchen counter comes loose.

  SFX MAN does squeaking wood.

  GK

  Whole counter gets unattached from the wall.

  SFX MAN, more wood squeaking. RHONDA steps in, inspired.

  RHONDA

  Maybe your orangutan was jumping up and

  down on it.

  SFX MAN does imitation of orangutan.

  RHONDA

  Maybe your Rottweiler got the orangutan all

  riled up.

  SFX MAN does imitation of Rottweiler.

  GK

  No, the Rottweiler was locked in the

  basement.

  SFX MAN closes SFX door, locks and bolts it.

  GK

  See? He’s all locked up.

  RHONDA

  But the orangutan has a chain saw.

  SFX MAN does orangutan starting up chainsaw.

  RHONDA

  And he cut a hole in the door and the

  Rottweiler got out.

  SFX MAN does orangutan, chainsaw, cutting wood, Rottweiler.

  RHONDA

  And also the peacock.

  SFX MAN does peacock, orangutan, Rottweiler.

  RHONDA

  And suddenly a helicopter came in overhead.

  SFX MAN, helicopter.

  RHONDA

  Through the flock of Canadian geese. And

  the helicopter startled the peacock.

  SFX MAN, shriek of peacock.

  YOLANDA

  And he leaped at the orangutan.

  SFX MAN, orangutan terror.

  YOLANDA

  And the orangutan threw the chainsaw.

  SFX MAN, flying chainsaw.

  RHONDA

  Through the plate-glass window.

  SFX MAN breaks glass in the sound box.

  YOLANDA

  And it hit the mailman, Harvey—

  SFX MAN, scream.

  YOLANDA

  —who is bringing you a letter from your

  ex-girlfriend. Which now you’re never going

  to read. So you won’t know that she’s still

  angry at you for having dumped her—just

  threw her away—the woman who loved

  you—you met someone new and—how could

  you do that? She’ll never understand. And

  duct tape isn’t going to help you with that.

  GK

  No, I suppose not, but with two out of three

  home chores—

  YOLANDA now has GK in a tight spot. The audience realizes that she is speaking directly to him and not kidding.

/>   YOLANDA

  Duct tape isn’t going to make an honest man

  out of you.

  GK

  No, it won’t.

  YOLANDA

  And it isn’t going to give you whatever it

  was you were looking for. What were you

  looking for?

  GK

  Looking for—

  MOLLY has now found the script (“Aha!”) and thrusts it at GK in triumph.

  GK

  —Got it!—duct tape. . . . Life is short and all

  repairs are temporary and it’s almost just

  about the only thing that really works

  sometimes, duct tape.

  MOLLY hands him one more script. He reads it from out of her hand.

  GK

  More of A Prairie Home Companion in a

  moment after we come in with a word about

  coffee. Yes, nothing keeps you focused quite

  like caffeine.

  The BAND swings into a Latin rhythm, and JEARLYN dances onstage.

  GK & JEARLYN (SINGING)

  Smells so lovely when you pour it,

  You will want to drink a quar’t

  Of coffee. It’s delicious all alone, it’s

  Also good with doughnuts.

  Black coffee.

  Coffee stimulates your urges,

  It is served in Lutheran churches,

  Keeps the Swedes and Germans

  Awake through the sermons.

  Have a pot of it today,

  I’m sure you’ll say

  It’s awfully good coffee.

  The jingle ends. MOLLY is at GK’s elbow.

  GK

  And now while you get that cup of coffee,

  let’s bring in Miss—

  MOLLY takes his elbow, shakes her head, points to the wings where CHUCK AKERS is emerging, whispers to GK.

  GK

  Let’s bring in Mr. Chuck Akers right now

  with a number. Mr. Akers, how you doing

  tonight?

  CHUCK AKERS, guitar on a strap around his neck, steps up to a microphone, to audience applause.

  CHUCK AKERS

  Never better, thank you very much. No time

  like the present, that’s what I say.

  He touches up the tuning of the guitar as he talks.

  CHUCK AKERS

  I’d like to send this song out to all the fans

  who’ve meant so much to me through thirty

  years on this show. Doesn’t seem like that long,

  but it has been. And, come Monday morning,

  Mrs. Akers and I are packing up the trailer and

  heading south, off on life’s next adventure. So

  tonight’s going to be good-bye for me.

  There is strong applause.

  CHUCK AKERS

  Thank you very much. I never was much for

  good-byes, but I would like to send this old

  Carter Family song out to all the friends and

  neighbors.

  He strums.

  CHUCK AKERS

  My bark of life was tossing down

  The troubled stream of time

  When first I saw your smiling face

  And youth was in its prime

  Oh, I’ll ne’er forget where e’er I roam

  Where ever you may be

  If ever I have had a friend

  You have been that friend to me.

  As he picks out a turnaround on the guitar, the BAND joins him.

  CHUCK AKERS

  Misfortune nursed me as her child

  And loved me fondly, too

  I would have had a broken heart

  Had it not been for you.

  ROBIN & LINDA step up to a separate microphone to sing with him on the chorus.

  CHUCK AKERS & ROBIN & LINDA

  Oh, I’ll ne’er forget where e’er I roam

  Where ever you may be

  If ever I have had a friend

  You have been that friend to me.

  CHUCK AKERS

  I now look back upon the past

  Across life’s troubled sea

  And smile to think ’mid all life’s scenes

  You’ve been a friend to me.

  CHUCK AKERS & ROBIN & LINDA & GK (BASS)

  Oh, I’ll ne’er forget where e’er I roam

  Where ever you may be

  If ever I have had a friend

  You have been that friend to me.

  If ever I have had a friend

  You have been that friend to me.

  The song ends to applause. CHUCK AKERS waves, bows, and leaves the stage, and the camera follows him.

  28 INT. FITZGERALD WINGS—SAME TIME

  The LUNCH LADY stands in the wings, teary eyed, and CHUCK AKERS walks past her and the STAGE MANAGER into the crowd of musicians, where DUSTY and LEFTY are waiting to go onstage, tended by MOLLY.

  GK (O.C.)

  Thank you, Chuck Akers. And right now,

  let’s come in with a word about ketchup.

  (COMMERCIAL CONTINUES)

  DUSTY (TO MOLLY)

  Tell old Fish Face here that his butt is too big

  for those pants of his and people can see his

  crack and it isn’t anything that a normal

  person would ever care to see.

  LEFTY looks back over his shoulder, trying to look at his butt.

  LEFTY

  Where?

  DUSTY

  In the back. That’s where your crack is. Reach

  back and you’ll find it.

  LEFTY

  I don’t see anything. Hey, Molly—

  MOLLY

  Don’t ask.

  LEFTY

  Am I decent back there?

  MOLLY

  Don’t ask me. I’m not your mother.

  She walks away.

  DUSTY

  If you lost about fifty pounds, you might be.

  Provided you didn’t lose it from your head.

  LEFTY eyes him and takes a step away.

  LEFTY

  Molly’s expecting a baby.

  DUSTY

  So what?

  LEFTY

  Just stating a fact. Wonder who the daddy is?

  DUSTY

  Well, we all know it wasn’t you.

  LEFTY

  She showed me her tattoo once.

  DUSTY

  Hell she did.

  LEFTY

  On her shoulder.

  DUSTY

  You’re lying through your teeth.

  LEFTY

  Her left shoulder. Right here.

  He points to a spot just below his collarbone.

  DUSTY

  Liar. That ain’t her shoulder.

  LEFTY

  Whatever you want to call it.

  DUSTY

  You’re ridiculous.

  LEFTY

  Ask her. Maybe she’ll let you have a look at it.

  DUSTY

  What does it say?

  LEFTY

  It says Freedom.

  DUSTY

  Now I know you’re lying.

  LEFTY

  You just think whatever you want to think.

  He sees LOLA approach and takes off his hat to her.

  LEFTY

  I hear you’re going to sing us a song, Lola.

  Looking forward to that.

  LOLA

  Hey, no problem.

  LEFTY

  Well, it sure means the world to your mom.

  She always said you had talent.

  LOLA

  I don’t know any of their songs. I only know

  my songs.

  LEFTY

  So, sing one of them.

  LOLA

  They’re mostly about death.

  LEFTY (HE BRIGHTENS)

  Well, a lot of good songs about death—

  LOLA

  Mine are about suicide.

  LEFTY

  Oh.

  LOL
A

  Hanging yourself with an extension cord.

  Carbon monoxide. That sort of thing.

  DUSTY

  I could do “Amazing Grace” with you.

  LOLA

  I know “Amazing Grace.”

  DUSTY

  I could play guitar and we could get

  everybody singing—

  LEFTY

  I’m not sure you knew this about my friend

  Dusty here, but—

  DUSTY

  Oh shut up, would you?

  LEFTY

  He learned to sing gospel music at San

  Quentin prison.

  DUST

  Just shut your pie hole—

  LEFTY

  That’s where I found him. I was with Johnny

  Cash, singing in prisons—

  DUSTY

  You’re not funny, Lefty—

  LEFTY

  There were these heinous depraved

  criminals, and—

  DUSTY